Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2006 10:40:12 -0800 (PST)
To: sidesplitters@catastrophe.net
Subject: Irish Humor

- Six Retired Irishmen --------------------------------------------------

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the
table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.  Discretion is
me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.  Murphy
answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost
$500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher


- Paddy -----------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.  If you find me a
parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


- Father Murphy ---------------------------------------------------------

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the
wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."
 

- Paddy in New York -----------------------------------------------------

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop
on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,
"Okay pedestrians".

Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood
on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over
to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"


- Gallagher -------------------------------------------------------------

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


- Irish Priest ----------------------------------------------------------

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!  He's done it again!"