Date: Sat, 18 Mar 2006 12:57:46 -0800 (PST)
To: sidesplitters
Subject: Church Bulletins


A collection of bulletins found throughout good, God-fearing, places of
worship after Sunday morning mass.


1. ------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

2. ------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
     The sermon tonight:   "Searching for Jesus."

3. ------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

4. ------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummagesale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.
 
5. ------------ 
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

6. ------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone
who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

7. ------------
Don't let worry kill you off --- let the Church help.

8. ------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.

9. ------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

10. ------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.

11. ------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:
      "Break Forth Into Joy."

12. ------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

13. ------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music
will follow.

14. ------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.

15. ------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and  to the deterioration of some older ones.

16. ------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be  recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  
17. ------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.! 
 
18. ------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

19. ------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

20. ------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

21. ------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

22. ------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall  after the B. S. is done .

23. ------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

24. ------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use the
back door.

25. ------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

26. ------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please
use large  double door at the side entrance.

27. ------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"