Defines the : Chastity, Character, Duties and Role
of the Wife in a Krishna Conscious Marriage
Advice On Arrangement Of Marriage:
I thought it would be good to include a little advice on how to get one’s self
married. This section is just my personal advice. Srila Prabhupad instructed that arranged
marriages are best, that is the only system that he instructed us to follow. However, he
has also said that without the father taking the responsibility to get the daughter
married, it is almost impossible for the girl to get a good husband. In absence of father
Srila Prabhupad has recommended that the temple presidents or GBC (or guru) or a person
they appoint make an arrangement. Each temple has their own system. Personally he did not
check astrologically for compatibility, but he has recommended this as being the Vedic
system.
The point about marriage without the father is important. I have had the experience that
sometimes other authorities make suggestions for arrangements that do not appear to take
the person’s best interest in mind, but seem to be based on other criteria. For
example, I have seen a manager try to convince a man who worked under him to marry a
certain girl because the manager wanted the girl to become his secretary. The boy and girl
were obviously totally mismatched. The arrangement was not at all properly based, it was
not made with either the girls’ or boy’s best interest in mind. Fortunately they
rejected it. Another time I have seen a boy who seemed qualified for a certain girl, the
manager turned down the request because they worked in different departments and the
manager didn’t want to loose his secretary. The girl was finally married to a devotee
in the same department, unfortunately for them, the marriage ended in divorce a few years
latter.
One mother told me that she asked a gurukula teacher to help find a husband for her
daughter. The teacher had one boy who he didn’t know what to do with. He never
listened to authority, he was rebellious, he was always talking and joking with the girls
whenever he got a chance. He had no interest in studying. The teacher thought this was
Krishna’s arrangement, he couldn’t handle the boy any longer and this mother
wanted her daughter married. He told her it was "Krishna’s arrangement".
Fortunately the mother completely rejected the idea. Her daughter was trained and engaged
in temple service. What a total mismatch. And what a totally wrong message it would send
the boys. If you want to get a nice Krishna Conscious girl for a wife, then become a total
non-sense, rebel against authority and stop studying. For the girl’s reward for their
devotional training, throw them to the most unqualified boys. It was all wrong. Rather,
the teacher should have taken his most first-class student (who was not determined to
remain brahmacari, and none of those boys were) and asked him to marry the girl. Then the
other boys who want a nice wife would have had an impetus to remain serious and get fixed
up.
The point I am making is that the father is the only one who has the real personal
interest of his daughter in mind. That is his only concern. Therefore he is best to find
the right person. As Srila Prabhupad says, without father, it is almost impossible for the
girl to get a qualified husband.
What is my advice? Srila Prabhupad has said to accept what Krishna has given, and to let
the authorities make the decision. He has said that generally the boys and girls,
especially the girls, are generally not able to make a proper decision on their own. My
advice is to follow this, but to use some personal discretion. If you are convinced that
your authority has your best interest in mind, then accept what they are suggesting
(although submissive inquiry to help determine that their choice is best for you may be
considered wise). In smaller temples there may be fewer choices, unless a GBC is looking
far and wide. If one’s initiating or instructing guru is making the arrangement, they
should have your best interest at heart, but again, submissive inquiry to try and confirm
that, asking why they feel their choice is best, is not a bad idea. That is IMHO (in my
humble opinion :-) ).
Some times people make their own arrangements, or find someone they think they like.
Marriages based on like and dislike of the bodily features and movements and character
behavior are not at all good as the principle basis for marriage. It is practically
impossible for a young person who is agitated by the strong urging of the senses to make
an unbiased decision in these matters. Often, if the person has bodily features that
attract one’s mind and senses, the mind will work its best magic to convince you that
that person is the most qualified for you. Which may or may not be a fact. It is best to
seek help in this from an authority.
When the choice is made on the basis of material attraction, of like and dislike, it is a
very thin foundation for a marriage. As soon as some difficulty arises and one becomes
disenchanted with the spouse, there is nothing for the relationship to fall back on. If
attraction was the basis and one temporarily becomes un-attracted then the relationship is
finished. Or as soon as someone comes who attracts you more, again finished.
The basis of a Krishna Conscious marriage must be duty. I accept this wife or this husband
as my duty. I have taken a vow to be life long responsible or life long surrendered and
that is now my duty to fulfill that sacred vow. It is my duty to Krishna to remain
responsible and to give my children, young devotees of Krishna, the best family life they
can have. That is my service, my duty. This duty never changes. No mater what happens in
the marriage, even if all material attraction temporarily is gone, this duty never
changes. Then the marriage will succeed.
Unfortunately many of our children have not learning this in the gurukula. I spoke with
one boy, he is about 22, and was born an ISKCON devotee, his father being a disciple of
Srila Prabhupad. I discussed this point with him and his response was that if he
wasn’t attracted to the woman’s body, then he wouldn’t want to remain
married to her. It is so sad to see that he has had no good training, or no good
realization, in this matter. Material attraction will never last for long. It will fade
away in hours, days, a few years, but it will never last. I pity the poor girl that would
marry this young man, as that marriage will not last very long. He will base the marriage
only on attraction, and he admits, as soon as the attraction is not there, he will be
ready to leave.
That is so unfortunate.
I saw one report on TV several years ago where they interviewed older couples who were
married for over 50 - 75 years. The idea of commitment to duty was the main underlying
sentiment. They all admitted there were struggles and difficult times. But they took
marriage vows seriously. The word and concept that kept coming up were duty and
responsibility.
SB 3.22.11 (Marriage of Kardama and Devhuti)
Therefore please accept her, O chief of the brähmaëas, for I offer her with faith and
she is in every respect fit to be your wife and take charge of your household duties.
PURPORT
The words gåhamedhiñu karmasu mean "in household duties." Another word is also
used here: sarvätmanänurüpäm. The purport is that a wife should not only be equal to
her husband in age, character and qualities, but must be helpful to him in his household
duties. The household duty of a man is not to satisfy his sense gratification, but to
remain with a wife and children and at the same time attain advancement in spiritual life.
One who does not do so is not a householder but a gåhamedhé. Two words are used in
Sanskrit literature; one is gåhastha, and the other is gåhamedhé. The difference
between gåhamedhé and gåhastha is that gåhastha is also an äçrama, or spiritual
order, but if one simply satisfies his senses as a householder, then he is a gåhamedhé.
For a gåhamedhé, to accept a wife means to satisfy the senses, but for a gåhastha a
qualified wife is an assistant in every respect for advancement in spiritual activities.
It is the duty of the wife to take charge of household affairs and not to compete with the
husband. A wife is meant to help, but she cannot help her husband unless he is completely
equal to her in age, character and quality.
Srila Prabhupad says the boy and girl should be completely equal in age, character and
quality. This point, made here in this purport, that the girl and boy be of
‘equal’ age is interesting, and I will explain my understanding of it.
As I have pointed out before. The girl must not be more ‘advanced’ than her
husband. If the man has sudra like qualities he should not marry a girl with brahminical
training and qualities. Being of equal quality and character are very important.
However, what about completely equal in age? By research we have found that Srila
Prabhupad has only instructed that the boy must be ‘older’ than the girl. Time
after time he has said the ideal age for the boy is 20 to 25 years and for the girl, at
puberty or before. Never later than 16 years old she is to be married. Once, a
devotee, Radhaballabha, specifically asked Srila Prabhupad what ages are recommended for
marriage. Srila Prabhupad indicated that for the girl, before or just after puberty, no
latter than 16. He asked what was the minimum age for the boy, Prabhupad said he had to be
5 years age older than the girl. Strictly, he said, the girl must not marry a boy who is
younger than herself. 8 to 10 years older he said is most usual. When asked what was the
maximum age difference, Srila Prabhupad said there is no maximum limit. An 80 year
old man can marry a 16 year old girl.
But, best ages were 8 to 10 years older. Manu Samhita recommends the girl to be 12 and the
man to be 30, 18 years difference.
He has also said that a girl should be given a child as soon after she reaches
puberty as possible. That is generally 12 to 15 years old, but could even be 11.
If we take this purport to mean the boy and girl should be of the ‘same’ age,
then this would mean the boy would be 11 to 15 years old.
No. We know Srila Prabhupad never taught this.
Therefore, the way I understand this one statement that boy and girl should be completely
equal in age is in relation with all his other instructions. We must see with eyes of
shastra, so taking all other instructions into consideration, I see this to mean that the
boy and girl be of ‘equal age’ to be married, in accordance with and in
relationship to scriptural injunction, not in relationship to each other.
That is, a girl can be married as a child. Srila Prabhupad has said that 6 years old is
not too young (don’t misunderstand, she does not live with husband until she reaches
puberty, but as soon as puberty comes, she is to live with husband, according to Srila
Prabhupad). That means that if a girl marries at, say 10, she will not reach puberty, say,
for 3 years. So, a boy of ‘equal marriageable age’ for her would be a boy who is
no less than 5 years older, or 15. That means that he will be 18 when they live together.
Preferably he should be 8 to 10 years older, meaning he would be 18 or 20 when she is 10,
and he would be 21 to 23 when they live together. That is considered a proper and
‘equally marriageable age’ by Vedic standards. The boy and girl are of
‘equal’ age to be married, not that they are the same age. A boy 13 and a girl
13, although being the ‘same age’ are not of equally of age to be married. A
girl can be, and should be, married at that age, but not a boy. Or even 16 and 16. A girl
16 is of marriageable age, a boy at 16 is not mature enough yet. And, Srila Prabhupad says
the boy must be at least 5 years older. That means they are not of ‘equal’ age
to be married. The boy needs to be at least 21 to be of equal marriageable age for a girl
who is 16.
So, what about a girl in her 20’s or even over 30? What is the right age for her
husband? He must be no less than 5 years older. If she is 25, she should not marry anyone
under 30. There is no maximum age. That means if she is 20, even a man 40 or 50 is not too
old (at least technically speaking, as there is no maximum age difference limit).
There are many other quotes and references to the topic of marriage and training. And
there are many other related topics that need to be studied. Some I give in the Kany Daya
book. My wife would also like to add a section on how to be a good devotee mother, but the
most important part we covered, and that is the mother has to set the proper example.
I will add that Srila Prabhupad has said that if the baby can be fed only the breast milk
of her mother for the first 6 to 12 months, then he says that person will be healthy for
life. That is very interesting. If the baby is fed only the mother’s milk, it appears
that this will create such a strong healthy condition that the body will be able to
maintain it’s good health throughout life. Mother’s should keep this in mind for
their own children. It can seem like an inconvenience, but really, it is not. Our three
children have never had a rubber nipple in their mouths ever. (Once they could hold a cup,
we used those plastic cups with the hard plastic spout on them, only because they
minimized the spill factor. Otherwise, in a village they would have gone from
mother’s breast to a cup with no ‘bottles’ and rubber nipples ever). For
over 6 months they lived only on mother’s milk, and over 12 months that was their
main diet. None of the children have had any serious illnesses.
(Source: http://www.futuresunltd.com/sudarshan/dharma/training/arrangement.htm)
Also additional info and comments at: http://www.futuresunltd.com/sudarshan/dharma/polygamy_devotees_online/needtoprotectwomen.htm)